Him.

It’s almost been a year since we’ve been together and obviously, my life has been transformed. I no longer suffer from sleepless nights, unless I’m awake talking to you. My bad dreams are few and far between, and my smile is more frequent than ever. While sometimes our moments together feel fleeting, I find myself more grateful than ever to have you. 

There is nothing more clear from my past relationships, except pain. I spent a lot of time with the wrong people, just trying to make it work. I suffered to avoid the confrontation, and I did suffer. I can truly understand the meaning of the word abuse, in one more than way. It hurt to hold onto, and it hurt less to let go. My bitterness has dissolved as you’ve found ways to bring out the best in me, you’ve found ways to make me see a lifetime of happiness in one short year. 

365 days ago, we went on our first date. The moments are still clear, my feelings still the same, and my love is dominant as ever. I find a new way to appreciate you everyday, and I find a new way to love you more everyday as well. I no longer feel lost in your eyes, but I feel like I completely belong there and you are what’s completing me. 

I hope these feelings never fade as we develop our relationship, and continue to learn more about each other. I am no longer afraid to leap with you, and I am patiently waiting for our next big leap together. As long as you are you and I am me, we will always find ways to fall more deeply in love. 

I love you Gav ❤ 

Long(ish) distance. 

Let’s just say, this is a lot harder than I thought. Who knew I took comfort in knowing we park in the same parking lot for work and both get gas at the co-op and drove on the same highway everyday. I took comfort in the familiar, and that is all gone. Nothing about my routine now is familiar. On the plus side, I have learned how to ride the C train, and I know how to get to and from without using maps on my phone (wow, impressive). Nine days ago, I had no idea this was coming. 

What I have learned, is to cherish every moment, even if it doesn’t feel special. Every moment spent with you is special, because it’s another moment my heart feels completely full. Our time is precious, and though our love is built to last a lifetime, it’s never enough. There will never be enough time to explain how deeply and truly I love you. There will never be enough time to kiss each other’s lips off (who does that anyways), play infinite rounds of mini golf, or just watch every movie we’ve ever wanted to watch. Regardless, I am grateful that I’ve met someone I want to do those things with for the rest of my life. 

What I’m trying to say, is that I miss you. Every moment we spend together from now on until the end of time I will cherish  through the good and the bad moments. And this distance, has made my heart grow rapidly fonder of you. I never imagined being so far away from my other half. From my G. This is different, but I’m ready to love you through anything. 

Happiness, in particular. 

It’s that time of year, where I’m feeling blue because it’s several months most likely since I’ve done anything productive with myself other than work. Obviously I love school and the thought of going back to school is usually what gets me through August. This year though, things have been a lot different since I’ve decided to take a year off (which I’ve never done before). I’m excited to grow as a person and become more used to a routine without school on my mind, but there are certain things I’m worried about. What am I going to do, is work really going to be all that I’m doing, and most importantly, will I be happy without school? 

I don’t know if this is common, but I have always wondered about happiness and how to get there. The last two years I’ve really realized that happiness is a choice that needs to be made everyday, and if I don’t make that choice I’ll drown in negativity. If I’m being honest, some days it’s still really hard to make that choice, but you make it easier. 

Happiness is something that I find when I look at you. Don’t get me wrong, other things make me happy too, and I’m sure I find joy in other things as well. You are the reason why I make the choice and the reason why I try to better myself. You are the reason I smile and appreciate my life. You are my biggest blessing. I want to be happy to enjoy our time together, to enjoy us. While I may be looking at a difficult month ahead, you are the light at the end of the tunnel! Love you G. 

What I wouldn’t do. 

It’s funny because in a few short months, we’ll be going to Keith Urban and then Mexico for my sister’s wedding!! I have never imagined so much happiness in my life and I’m so blessed that I have my boyfriend G. I’ve realized now that my last relationship was truly dysfunctional and controlled. This isn’t about him though, it’s about you. What I want to tell you, is that nobody treats me the way you do. 

You don’t treat me like a helpless child, weak woman or stupid girl. You treat me like a capable adult with the respect every person deserves. While that doesn’t sound romantic, it is something that’s special to me. What’s so special is how I feel like your equal; like your partner. And how even though you say no sometimes when I ask if you’re coming over, you say yes to the more important things. I’m truly over the moon that you’re willing to go to a country show with me, that you’re willing to always watch whatever I want, that you’re willing to let me move away whenever I feel ready, that you’re willing to let me spread my wings and just be happy that I’m happy. True love is being happy just because your partner’s happy too. All this being said, I hope you remember that I will always do anything to make you happy too. Because it’s not all about me is it? 

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, and you’ll never have to know if there’s anything I wouldn’t do. Because G, for you, anything. 

Simplicity. 

It’s been awhile since my last post, sorry! It feels like I just wrote it a few days ago, but here’s my next one! 

One of the things I love about us, is how simple we are. When someone says, “how did you meet your boyfriend?”, I can easily tell them and look back on the blissful memories of our friendship that turned into the great love we have now. I no longer have to avoid parts of the past, because our past is beautiful. There is no question of whether we love each other, because the answer simply is yes. Something else I love about you and me, is how something small turned into the biggest part of my heart. 

The start of a friendship is always promising, but it starts out as a small part of you. Our friendship started slowly, until there were late nights playing infected and snapchatting. What started slowly began to take a larger part of me as the days went on. 

The start of a relationship is even more promising than a friendship, and also more exciting. I stumbled across the words “I love you” and I thought that was the beginning of something much more complicated. Those words I used to associate with pain, suffering and heartbreak are now associated with the simple emotion of happiness. You have surprised me by never disappointing me, never letting me down, and being there for me always. What I expected to be difficult, is the simplest part of my life. 

As you read, I hope you don’t confuse my words, our love is not simple. My love for you is the most complex feeling I’ve ever had because it’s indescribable. It is the most powerful feeling I’ve ever known and the thought of you gets me through the days. While the words “I love you” may seem so small, hearing you say that has become the best part of my day. Love you G.

Evolution? 

The winter days have faded slowly into spring and summer days, and with the change of seasons I can’t help but wonder, are we changing too? 

What once was, will always be. Those moments will always be engraved on our hearts and I will cherish all of the memories we’ve created together so far, and we still have so much to look forward to with our first summer ahead of us. As we evolve in our relationship, I think about what’s different about us now than before. What’s different, is that there is an “us”. What else is different? 

Not everything has changed, and regardless I continue to fall in love with you on a daily basis. I wake up and I’m still dreaming about you. Thoughts of you consume my day as I spam you with needless text messages and screenshots. What’s different is how comfortable I am with you. I’m not worried about being “cool girl” or “funny girl” or “smart girl”, because to the right person I will be all those things and to you, I am. You have become my niche, my special place that I go to at the end of yoga before we namaste or whatever. I feel complete with you, and there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable with my better half. 

Lately, I’ve also been feeling more concrete. Spiritually, I have met my match or whatever . I feel like my place has been determined and my belonging is no longer questionable as I pass through the days. There is no reason to feel lost because my light is right beside me encouraging the next step forward. My spirit has never felt so free, wild, and excited. On a deeper level, my spirit feels a happiness I would not have known before you, before us. 

Are we changing? I’m not sure, but I know I constantly change to become better for you, or I become happier (if it’s even possible to be happier than I am right now), I become more comfortable, I become more of who I’m meant to be. We are changing, because we are growing. It’s unbelievable that I no longer visualize myself as a lonely tree growing alone, with barely any roots. I see myself full of leaves and deep roots, intertwined with someone else’s. I see growth and beauty everyday when I look at you. I used to genuinely believe change was not a good thing, but the changes I’ve made since us, have been the best changes of my life. Thank you G. 

The future (which can be intimidating). 

We are young, but not too young. As the days roll by, my heart becomes more full, and more serious about you. Serious in a way that makes me want to promise you the world and give you everything I could possibly offer you. The ambiguity of the future doesn’t scare me like it did three months ago, two months ago, one month ago. You don’t scare me like you used to, it has been replaced with the comfort and love from your heart, which is more than I could ever ask for. 

Wherever we’re going to find ourselves in the future, I’m ready. Take me there now and I would know the only person I’d choose to be with is you. But I can’t be there yet because we haven’t made the decisions that will affect the future, other than the decision of each other, and I’m more than okay with that. The present moment has given awareness like no other moments have, and you have given me the gift of being able to live in the moment. 

The future I imagined in my past was dark and dreary. You’ve given me the option to do what I actually want to do with my life, like you’ll be proud of me if I end up with four degrees or if I quit going to school tomorrow (I won’t, but tomorrow’s Sunday anyways). My future a year ago was a dark hole that I didn’t face. My future today is a bright shiny fucking star, thanks to you. 

If you’re worried, don’t be. I’ll be here beside you and everything else will fall into place the way we fell into place. I look forward to what we’re going to feel for each other and how close we’re going to get, but I also really appreciate this moment. This moment of love and friendship and happiness, this moment with you.