Absences. 

After being no beginner with the whole “long distance” thing, my boyfriend and I were recently apart for two more weeks when he took a trip overseas to Scotland. What I wasn’t expecting was the time difference to mess up so bad (7 hours… who would have guessed we would both be up at all hours of the night sometimes just to talk to each other even though there was perfectly legitimate overlapping day times). What I also wasn’t expecting, was the strengthening and solidifying of our connection even further. 

After a few months of being away at school, it became a routine and it was no longer surprising when there a distance was noticeable between us. Plus with one person having to be so focussed all day on learning, it can be mentally draining to keep up emotionally with a relationship as well when there’s no time to spend with each other except on the phone. So it’s not great being apart, but I didn’t seem to notice how beneficial it can be as well. Not only have we continued to grow as individuals, we keep growing as a couple. 

I would have never guessed that growth as individuals is so important to being happy in a relationship. Now I can reflect more easily on my relationship and more easily admit to myself when I’m unhappy with myself or if I’m facing a deeper problem in my relationship. It’s so easy to blame the people surrounding us for problems and unhappy feelings, but sometimes negative emotions and unhappiness is lying within. It can be for any reason, but it isn’t always necessarily the people surrounding. I’ve really realized that G is my supporting force in this world and when I’m thinking of improving myself, I find myself thinking of him because he’s truly become my better half. 

All these big changes and shifts in my thinking happened while G was in Scotland and I keep finding myself falling deeper in love with him, our relationship, and myself as a person separate from us. I can only appreciate time apart, and while it may not always be easy it is so worth it. 

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Tough love. 

Wow it has been a crazy month since my last post (like I always say haha), but I am here for yet another post about my G. Still together, but we’ve had probably the toughest week yet. Initially I got a little bit mad (I can admit I over-reacted but I felt justified in the moment) that he booked a huge trip without me, and I’m not going so I felt even more out of the loop, and then he decided to quit his job at a place we both work at. He decided against it at the last minute and I’m glad, but a seriously stressful day! In the end I just wanted to be a part of those bigger decisions, and I just wanted to feel like a valued member of the team. 

Then we had another personal problem in the same week and even though we weren’t mad at each other, it felt like it was hard to get along sometimes because we were both so on edge! As I’ve just mentioned, we work together (part time at the same retail store in our city), and honestly when we have shifts together usually I’m all over it! It’s fun being able to come up to front end and see him there or be able to ask him for help. It’s also nice to know I have someone to lean on for that day if I ever need back up or need to vent about a rude customer (I hope you’re all nice to retail employees that are nice to you!!!). 

Then I tried to have a real life conversation about the future and it was honestly brutal, like maybe if I forget about it the future will work itself out (I can dream), but in the end I just want what’s best for us, and especially for G.

Obviously there have been some tough moments and I so hope this isn’t a reflection of the weeks to come because truthfully I’ve gotta get my act together and start reviewing school material to stay on my A game for my last year. But anyways, now that everything’s said and done and literally I cannot think of anything else we could struggle through, I MISS HIM! Usually I’m the type of gal that needs her space from a guy after a long week like this, but all I want to do right now is be together. I want to reaffirm everything we’ve gone through and really reassure that I’m here to stay. We’re not together because I work in the morning and I don’t live with him, but honestly I think I can say if we do get to the point of living together, I’m going to be one of those girlfriends that fights and then wants to watch a movie together or something. Am I giving up? No, but I am choosing what’s worth fighting over. 

Also we saw Baby Driver this week amongst this messy time, and it was absolutely fantastic! Huge recommend! 

Ideals.

I’ve been absent on account of exams and moving back home for the summer, but I’m back now and I hope this post relates to some of my readers. 

I’ve been struggling with the ideas of “romance” recently, and the expectation that every relationship has to have an element of romance to be successful. My guy has flat out admitted to me that he’s not romantic. As a woman not wishing to be swept off her feet every minute of the day, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being with someone who won’t buy me flowers on a semi regular basis, who doesn’t know the difference between a candlelit dinner and a dinner at the pub, who doesn’t constantly remind me that I should be sainted. I’m okay with being with someone who feels comfortable with me, spontaneously reminds me that he loves me, and when he wants a kiss he pulls me close to him and makes direct eye contact with me. I’m okay with just those things, because they are romantic to me. 

Whoever defines romance in another person’s relationship is seriously in the wrong. When someone asks for another’s opinion I think it’s totally appropriate to offer that opinion, but to judge another’s relationship based on what that person sees from the outside perspective, is wrong. I’ve recently found myself in that position and I found myself suddenly insecure about my guy plus the things he’s not doing, and I’ve forgot about the things he does do that I love! Thinking of the moments where he makes my heart skip a beat has made me realize romance exists between us, but our even deeper connection is what has allowed to achieve a more intimate level of romance. Buying a girl flowers, jewellery or lingerie is extremely surface, and if you know me at all, I’m not a surface person. I’m not about materialistic gestures. If those gestures are your way of finding romance, that’s great for your relationship, I’m just simply acknowledging those gestures are not for my individual relationship. 

Can everyone just stop judging other people’s relationships? It creates insecurities, and can lead to unnecessary arguments (thank god I haven’t argued with my boyfriend about this)! I think it’s important to acknowledge everyone’s individual preferences and desires, and if the person is happy, there’s no reason for anyone else to meddle. 

Happiness, in particular. 

It’s that time of year, where I’m feeling blue because it’s several months most likely since I’ve done anything productive with myself other than work. Obviously I love school and the thought of going back to school is usually what gets me through August. This year though, things have been a lot different since I’ve decided to take a year off (which I’ve never done before). I’m excited to grow as a person and become more used to a routine without school on my mind, but there are certain things I’m worried about. What am I going to do, is work really going to be all that I’m doing, and most importantly, will I be happy without school? 

I don’t know if this is common, but I have always wondered about happiness and how to get there. The last two years I’ve really realized that happiness is a choice that needs to be made everyday, and if I don’t make that choice I’ll drown in negativity. If I’m being honest, some days it’s still really hard to make that choice, but you make it easier. 

Happiness is something that I find when I look at you. Don’t get me wrong, other things make me happy too, and I’m sure I find joy in other things as well. You are the reason why I make the choice and the reason why I try to better myself. You are the reason I smile and appreciate my life. You are my biggest blessing. I want to be happy to enjoy our time together, to enjoy us. While I may be looking at a difficult month ahead, you are the light at the end of the tunnel! Love you G. 

What I wouldn’t do. 

It’s funny because in a few short months, we’ll be going to Keith Urban and then Mexico for my sister’s wedding!! I have never imagined so much happiness in my life and I’m so blessed that I have my boyfriend G. I’ve realized now that my last relationship was truly dysfunctional and controlled. This isn’t about him though, it’s about you. What I want to tell you, is that nobody treats me the way you do. 

You don’t treat me like a helpless child, weak woman or stupid girl. You treat me like a capable adult with the respect every person deserves. While that doesn’t sound romantic, it is something that’s special to me. What’s so special is how I feel like your equal; like your partner. And how even though you say no sometimes when I ask if you’re coming over, you say yes to the more important things. I’m truly over the moon that you’re willing to go to a country show with me, that you’re willing to always watch whatever I want, that you’re willing to let me move away whenever I feel ready, that you’re willing to let me spread my wings and just be happy that I’m happy. True love is being happy just because your partner’s happy too. All this being said, I hope you remember that I will always do anything to make you happy too. Because it’s not all about me is it? 

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, and you’ll never have to know if there’s anything I wouldn’t do. Because G, for you, anything. 

The future (which can be intimidating). 

We are young, but not too young. As the days roll by, my heart becomes more full, and more serious about you. Serious in a way that makes me want to promise you the world and give you everything I could possibly offer you. The ambiguity of the future doesn’t scare me like it did three months ago, two months ago, one month ago. You don’t scare me like you used to, it has been replaced with the comfort and love from your heart, which is more than I could ever ask for. 

Wherever we’re going to find ourselves in the future, I’m ready. Take me there now and I would know the only person I’d choose to be with is you. But I can’t be there yet because we haven’t made the decisions that will affect the future, other than the decision of each other, and I’m more than okay with that. The present moment has given awareness like no other moments have, and you have given me the gift of being able to live in the moment. 

The future I imagined in my past was dark and dreary. You’ve given me the option to do what I actually want to do with my life, like you’ll be proud of me if I end up with four degrees or if I quit going to school tomorrow (I won’t, but tomorrow’s Sunday anyways). My future a year ago was a dark hole that I didn’t face. My future today is a bright shiny fucking star, thanks to you. 

If you’re worried, don’t be. I’ll be here beside you and everything else will fall into place the way we fell into place. I look forward to what we’re going to feel for each other and how close we’re going to get, but I also really appreciate this moment. This moment of love and friendship and happiness, this moment with you. 

When we’re together. 

There is an instant pull as if the other side of my magnet has become noticeably present. Whether he is north or south, I know I am the other side he’s searching for. 

There is nothing other than happiness, joy and true delight when he is near. The conversations could go on for days, the laughs for years, and like the love could go on forever. How do you know your forever is standing right in front of you? Well, you don’t know until you take the leap of faith, and realize the deepest connection you will ever have with another person is the person who is everything that you hope to be. The person that makes you want to be the best version of you. 

When we are together, there is no question of whether or not it’s right; it is the only thing that feels so right. It is the kiss that still sets your heart on fire after the hundredth, thousandth and millionth times your lips touch. It is the love that leaves endless fingerprints on your heart. It is the love that touches your soul, and wraps you so deeply within the life of another, that makes it feel right.

It is a shared consciousness between him and I. There is no calculating, manipulating, or deceiving. There is innocence, honesty and purpose in our consciousness. We don’t question each other, because we already know the answer. When we’re together, we have the answer. The answer is each other.