Permanence. 

I’ve taken a break from writing on this blog and I had started a beauty blog, but have realized it’s crazy expensive and time consuming to keep with something relative to a lifestyle, so I’m back! 

Lately I have realized that permanence is a reality I’ve perhaps been ignorant of in the past. While I hope and believe that my boyfriend and I actually have a long lasting, lifetime type of relationship, I’ve noticed that even if we don’t have that, we’ll have these memories and moments forever. In this year and a half I’ve loved him, and that will never be taken away if one of us finds someone else. So in a way, it is forever no matter what. I’ve realized how great that is, but also how scary it can be. 

Nobody wants to spend a lifetime comparing their loved ones to previous loved ones (and the loved one doesn’t want to hear about that either), so the first time a person decides to love someone can be really scary. It can be hard to move forward because of the fear that this might be the best you ever have. Moments of doubt or self-consciousness can turn into relationship doubt, which can turn into a break-up, but then you realize, “wait that was person”. 

I’m glad we haven’t had those negative experiences in our time together and I hope we don’t, but I’m sort of writing this not because I’ve had doubts of you or us, but because I’ve had doubts in myself lately. That I’m not good enough to have a good person, or that you’ll get bored of me, or that I’m annoying (honestly the list goes on but I’ll cut it off there). To remind myself that you are my person, and those doubts do not matter. We have our happy moments, that will truly last our lifetime. 

How you know.

You won’t see it coming, but this person will knock the wind out of you and make you feel like you walked into a glass door you thought wasn’t there (maybe I’m the only person that’s ever happened to multiple times). Regardless, they’ll make you feel breathless. As if they bundled up all the air you thought you had in your lungs and took it away, but in a good way. I think that’s when you know you’ve met someone, but not just anyone.

I feel like I’ve been there, done that. There’s no saying when you know that you’re completely done with dating or maybe that you’ve barely even begun. This person, he feels different to me. It feels perfectly warm, comfortable, and compassionate. There may be no words at the time, but it is a welcome surprise. So if you aren’t wondering, I am: how did I meet my person?

At the time I was involved with another person, someone we both knew. I met you and it took me a whole year for me to realize he wasn’t going to change. You were patient for an entire year of gray, and then blue. You were patient, subtle, and comforting when I needed you to be. I tried to impress you by being good with the computer, with everything. I tried to impress you, but you already looked blown away. You were the reason I looked forward to Sundays, until Sundays became something else. I missed you, until I realized I shouldn’t.

And then one day, I was no longer tied down and there was a message waiting for me on my phone: “Are you working this Saturday?”

The rest becomes history as I let myself connect to you in a way I know we were meant for, and the space between our souls became less and less; now, I can’t bear to be away from you for longer than a few days. I found you in a way I wasn’t expecting. And I think that’s how I know.