Absences. 

After being no beginner with the whole “long distance” thing, my boyfriend and I were recently apart for two more weeks when he took a trip overseas to Scotland. What I wasn’t expecting was the time difference to mess up so bad (7 hours… who would have guessed we would both be up at all hours of the night sometimes just to talk to each other even though there was perfectly legitimate overlapping day times). What I also wasn’t expecting, was the strengthening and solidifying of our connection even further. 

After a few months of being away at school, it became a routine and it was no longer surprising when there a distance was noticeable between us. Plus with one person having to be so focussed all day on learning, it can be mentally draining to keep up emotionally with a relationship as well when there’s no time to spend with each other except on the phone. So it’s not great being apart, but I didn’t seem to notice how beneficial it can be as well. Not only have we continued to grow as individuals, we keep growing as a couple. 

I would have never guessed that growth as individuals is so important to being happy in a relationship. Now I can reflect more easily on my relationship and more easily admit to myself when I’m unhappy with myself or if I’m facing a deeper problem in my relationship. It’s so easy to blame the people surrounding us for problems and unhappy feelings, but sometimes negative emotions and unhappiness is lying within. It can be for any reason, but it isn’t always necessarily the people surrounding. I’ve really realized that G is my supporting force in this world and when I’m thinking of improving myself, I find myself thinking of him because he’s truly become my better half. 

All these big changes and shifts in my thinking happened while G was in Scotland and I keep finding myself falling deeper in love with him, our relationship, and myself as a person separate from us. I can only appreciate time apart, and while it may not always be easy it is so worth it. 

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Tough love. 

Wow it has been a crazy month since my last post (like I always say haha), but I am here for yet another post about my G. Still together, but we’ve had probably the toughest week yet. Initially I got a little bit mad (I can admit I over-reacted but I felt justified in the moment) that he booked a huge trip without me, and I’m not going so I felt even more out of the loop, and then he decided to quit his job at a place we both work at. He decided against it at the last minute and I’m glad, but a seriously stressful day! In the end I just wanted to be a part of those bigger decisions, and I just wanted to feel like a valued member of the team. 

Then we had another personal problem in the same week and even though we weren’t mad at each other, it felt like it was hard to get along sometimes because we were both so on edge! As I’ve just mentioned, we work together (part time at the same retail store in our city), and honestly when we have shifts together usually I’m all over it! It’s fun being able to come up to front end and see him there or be able to ask him for help. It’s also nice to know I have someone to lean on for that day if I ever need back up or need to vent about a rude customer (I hope you’re all nice to retail employees that are nice to you!!!). 

Then I tried to have a real life conversation about the future and it was honestly brutal, like maybe if I forget about it the future will work itself out (I can dream), but in the end I just want what’s best for us, and especially for G.

Obviously there have been some tough moments and I so hope this isn’t a reflection of the weeks to come because truthfully I’ve gotta get my act together and start reviewing school material to stay on my A game for my last year. But anyways, now that everything’s said and done and literally I cannot think of anything else we could struggle through, I MISS HIM! Usually I’m the type of gal that needs her space from a guy after a long week like this, but all I want to do right now is be together. I want to reaffirm everything we’ve gone through and really reassure that I’m here to stay. We’re not together because I work in the morning and I don’t live with him, but honestly I think I can say if we do get to the point of living together, I’m going to be one of those girlfriends that fights and then wants to watch a movie together or something. Am I giving up? No, but I am choosing what’s worth fighting over. 

Also we saw Baby Driver this week amongst this messy time, and it was absolutely fantastic! Huge recommend! 

Permanence. 

I’ve taken a break from writing on this blog and I had started a beauty blog, but have realized it’s crazy expensive and time consuming to keep with something relative to a lifestyle, so I’m back! 

Lately I have realized that permanence is a reality I’ve perhaps been ignorant of in the past. While I hope and believe that my boyfriend and I actually have a long lasting, lifetime type of relationship, I’ve noticed that even if we don’t have that, we’ll have these memories and moments forever. In this year and a half I’ve loved him, and that will never be taken away if one of us finds someone else. So in a way, it is forever no matter what. I’ve realized how great that is, but also how scary it can be. 

Nobody wants to spend a lifetime comparing their loved ones to previous loved ones (and the loved one doesn’t want to hear about that either), so the first time a person decides to love someone can be really scary. It can be hard to move forward because of the fear that this might be the best you ever have. Moments of doubt or self-consciousness can turn into relationship doubt, which can turn into a break-up, but then you realize, “wait that was person”. 

I’m glad we haven’t had those negative experiences in our time together and I hope we don’t, but I’m sort of writing this not because I’ve had doubts of you or us, but because I’ve had doubts in myself lately. That I’m not good enough to have a good person, or that you’ll get bored of me, or that I’m annoying (honestly the list goes on but I’ll cut it off there). To remind myself that you are my person, and those doubts do not matter. We have our happy moments, that will truly last our lifetime. 

Ideals.

I’ve been absent on account of exams and moving back home for the summer, but I’m back now and I hope this post relates to some of my readers. 

I’ve been struggling with the ideas of “romance” recently, and the expectation that every relationship has to have an element of romance to be successful. My guy has flat out admitted to me that he’s not romantic. As a woman not wishing to be swept off her feet every minute of the day, I’m okay with that. I’m okay with being with someone who won’t buy me flowers on a semi regular basis, who doesn’t know the difference between a candlelit dinner and a dinner at the pub, who doesn’t constantly remind me that I should be sainted. I’m okay with being with someone who feels comfortable with me, spontaneously reminds me that he loves me, and when he wants a kiss he pulls me close to him and makes direct eye contact with me. I’m okay with just those things, because they are romantic to me. 

Whoever defines romance in another person’s relationship is seriously in the wrong. When someone asks for another’s opinion I think it’s totally appropriate to offer that opinion, but to judge another’s relationship based on what that person sees from the outside perspective, is wrong. I’ve recently found myself in that position and I found myself suddenly insecure about my guy plus the things he’s not doing, and I’ve forgot about the things he does do that I love! Thinking of the moments where he makes my heart skip a beat has made me realize romance exists between us, but our even deeper connection is what has allowed to achieve a more intimate level of romance. Buying a girl flowers, jewellery or lingerie is extremely surface, and if you know me at all, I’m not a surface person. I’m not about materialistic gestures. If those gestures are your way of finding romance, that’s great for your relationship, I’m just simply acknowledging those gestures are not for my individual relationship. 

Can everyone just stop judging other people’s relationships? It creates insecurities, and can lead to unnecessary arguments (thank god I haven’t argued with my boyfriend about this)! I think it’s important to acknowledge everyone’s individual preferences and desires, and if the person is happy, there’s no reason for anyone else to meddle. 

Sundays. 

I come back to Airdrie after a weekend at home with you, and god I miss you. I miss you as soon as I leave, and I don’t stop until I get to be in your arms again. I regret every moment I’ve wasted with you being mad or upset with you. I regret every second I’ve wasted being fed up with someone else, but not fed up enough to leave. I regret every moment that I’ve wasted, by not having you in my heart. 

It’s funny because I’m preparing for Valentine’s Day and while your Christmas gift was a throwback to our year together, your Valentine’s Day gift will be a throwback to before, when we were friends. It’s about the lore, the beginning, the how it happened.

All I have to say babe, is that I feel like it’s always been you. You’ve found a way to shake me, stir me and completely change my life. Even though for half of our friendship I was in a relationship with someone else, I was always unhappy (without knowing it), because I wasn’t with you. You are my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, my world. 

Anni, anni, anni. 

If G reads this, I am absolutely full of love and 365 days is a really amazing achievement for us.

Today is my one year anniversary with the person the blog is about! We have become so much closer, continued to evolve as individuals, and still have had the time of our lives this entire year. I’ve been lucky enough to be home for my winter break from school, so we’ve been getting to spend a lot of time together! As I’ve mentioned before, our relationship is really healthy and stable and that’s something that I really love about us. We’ve never had any serious arguments and our conversations that could veer off into an argument never seem to! If it isn’t clear, our relationship is somewhat of a modern day fairy tale. 

I won’t lie, I’m expecting arguments and fights, I just don’t know when. I’m expecting rough patches where it seems like it’s harder than other times, I just don’t know when. I guess the thing is, nobody knows when these things will happen, just that they do happen. My guy, he’s really worth fighting for. I understand that realistically, there is no perfect relationship. I also understand that when we’re together, it feels like the perfect relationship. And that’s probably what the right relationship is supposed to feel like. 

There will be frustration, disappointment, and maybe even anger, but there will also be happiness, love, laughter, and so many more positive feelings. I no longer fear our future, I no longer fear arguments. I feel excited, because we’ve been extremely solid for 365 days. I can’t wait for what’s coming up for us, and I am so, so happy and proud to say that I have the best boyfriend. And I’m so happy that it’s you, G. 

Him.

It’s almost been a year since we’ve been together and obviously, my life has been transformed. I no longer suffer from sleepless nights, unless I’m awake talking to you. My bad dreams are few and far between, and my smile is more frequent than ever. While sometimes our moments together feel fleeting, I find myself more grateful than ever to have you. 

There is nothing more clear from my past relationships, except pain. I spent a lot of time with the wrong people, just trying to make it work. I suffered to avoid the confrontation, and I did suffer. I can truly understand the meaning of the word abuse, in one more than way. It hurt to hold onto, and it hurt less to let go. My bitterness has dissolved as you’ve found ways to bring out the best in me, you’ve found ways to make me see a lifetime of happiness in one short year. 

365 days ago, we went on our first date. The moments are still clear, my feelings still the same, and my love is dominant as ever. I find a new way to appreciate you everyday, and I find a new way to love you more everyday as well. I no longer feel lost in your eyes, but I feel like I completely belong there and you are what’s completing me. 

I hope these feelings never fade as we develop our relationship, and continue to learn more about each other. I am no longer afraid to leap with you, and I am patiently waiting for our next big leap together. As long as you are you and I am me, we will always find ways to fall more deeply in love. 

I love you Gav ❤